How cruel those of us with trauma and anxiety can be to ourselves. We tell ourselves things we wouldn’t dream of saying to another person. Especially a person in distress. In case you don’t know and are fortunate enough to not have past trauma, we can tell ourselves some truly awful stuff. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of living in the past. And in my head. Since I can’t change my past, I’ll work on my future. You want to improve your life as well?
How will we do that? Start with working within. Within ourselves and in our brain. Specifically, our negative thoughts and anxiety.
“You’re so stupid for asking how to something you don’t know how to do Is my boss going to yell at me?” … But wait a minute. You’ve never been shown how to do… It’s not a sign of weakness or wrongdoing. It’s the way our brain has been programmed. That was caused by stuff we don’t actually remember because we were too young to remember or our brain blocked it from our memory.
In his book, Conquer Your Negative Thoughts The Secret to Emotional Freedom and Happiness, Daniel Amen, M.D. talks about two study groups. The first study, participants were divided into three groups. The first was told to do an act of kindness every day for 10 days. The second group was told to do something new every day for 10 days. The third group was told not to do anything. After 10 days, all groups were retested. Happiness increased significantly and close to equally for the people in the first two groups.
In the second case study, people were in two groups. They were asked to recall the last time they spent either $20 or $100 on themselves or someone else. After measuring levels of happiness, all participants were given a small amount of money and the option to spend it themselves or someone else. Ther test subjects were happier when asked to recall when they purchased gifts for someone else. The happier they felt about being generous, greater the likelihood they would spend the money on others.
Daniel Amen also talks about ANTs (Automated Negative Thoughts). Compared to the insect ants. The insects only need a small opening in a structure, like your house. The tiniest mess can bring plenty of the tiny insects. Same with ANTs. The tiniest inconvenience can occur and it can throw someone’s entire day down the crapper. Because the person thinks the inconvenience could spend the Earth spinning off its axis. I couldn’t tell you the number of times this happened to me. And part of me doesn’t want to think about how much it happens. It’s embarrassing. And usually not true. Yes, trying to start your car so you can go to work and the car doesn’t start will sour your mood and your day. If you let it.
Dr Amen names the variety of ANT’s. They and examples are:
- All-or-Nothing. They are based on half-truths or lies. They reduce complex concepts into two opposing categories. Good or bad. “I’ll never be as good as everyone else.”
- Just-the-Bad. “I always hate school” Thousands of years ago human minds were trained to focus on the negative because it kept people safe. They only focus on the bad and ignore the good.
- Guilt-Bearing. Motivation comes form moral beating we received form others such as parents and authority figures and begin with Should, must, ought to, or have to. ”You should quit because all the work problems are my fault. You must do better in school.”
- Labeling. When you label yourself or someone else with a negative term you inhibit your ability to take an honest look at the situation. ”I’m fat. He a jerk. She’s lazy.”
- Fortune-Telling. They think they can see the future. All they really do is think up bad stuff that makes you upset. “Remember when you tried.. for the first time and you didn’t get the results you wanted. You failed. It sucked and it hurt.
- Mind-Reading. These ANT’s are convinced they can see inside someone else’s mind and know how others think and feel without being told. “If I ask, everyone will think I’m stupid.”
- Blaming. These don’t want you to admit to your mistakes. “Mothing will ever go right for me, so why try?”
- Less- Than. When you compare yourself to others in a negative way, these ANT’s harass and attack you. We spend hours comparing our life and the way they look to a false sense of others’. “I’m not as smart as everyone else.”
- If-Only and I’ll-Be-Happy-When. Spending time in regret for things you cannot change only leads to pain and ongoing frustration. “I’ll be happier when I win the lottery.”
If any of this sounds familiar, take a breath and maybe a break. Go have a cry if you need to. It’s alright. I won’t tell anyone. In fact it’s cleansing.
The one or two that got me were Fortune-telling ANTs and Less-Than. There were a few times in college when I thought that everyone else was on the swimmingly easy correct path for their life and they were having no issues working on their best life. Over the past couple years, there were a time or two when I was working a job I wasn’t crazy about. I thought for some reason I would lose that job and not get another one. OR I’d work jobs (Just Over Broke) that made me want to beat my head against the wall too frequently than I’d like.
A guy Elizabeth Gilbert refers to as Richard from Texas, in her book Eat, Pray, Love talks about controlling one’s mind and thoughts.
Wait. What? We can control our thoughts?
He says, “You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes you’re going to wear everyday. This is a power you can cultivate, If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control. Drop everything but that. Because if you can’t learn to master your thinking, you’re in deep trouble forever.”
Moving Mount Everest sounds easier.
You can do it too. How, you ask? Let’s talk about our fears.
Of the two thousands British people surveyed, the top 10 things they fear changing are:
- Haircut
- Oral health routine
- Style of clothes they tend to wear
- Where they live
- Brand of smartphone
- What they have for breakfast
- Types of food they eat
- Genre of TV shows they watch
- The people they hang out with
- The drinks they order in the pub
These are pretty simple things. Now, will making these changes cause the key to happiness land in your hand? No. Probably not. But it could improve your opinion of yourself. Which could lead to making other changes. Or consider changing a couple of these.
What is something you’d like to change yet fear is holding you back?
#mentalhealth
#selfcare
#selflove
#reinventyourself
#youcandoitaswell
#ibelieveinyou
Reinventing yourself 
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