How to change your life before getting out of bed.

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“Talk to yourself like someone you love.” — Brené Brown

There are times when your own thoughts can keep you under your bed covers.

Do you usually think, “How did you not complete your mile-long to-do list done? You’re useless!” Then your mind starts racing. You think, “I need to get this project done for my boss yesterday or else I’m going to get fired and I’ll never get another job.” Oh, I’ve been there. To the point I was practically in the fetal position on my bed. More than once. It usually happened while working for a big company I was so dreadfully unhappy at. While unhappy, the only thing that seemed scarier than staying was leaving. I didn’t have the guts to quit. So I’d wish they would just fire me.

Maybe you’d believe the person who told you this? Depending on who it is. Would you believe it if your boss or best friend told you this? How about if you were telling yourself this?

Welcome to the negative self-talk club.

Psychology Today defines self-talk, “As an inner voice that provides a running monologue on their lives throughout the day.” It can be positive or negative. An example the more common negative self-talk is, “I can’t do anything right. I’m such a moron.” (1)Guilty.

The truth is you berate yourself. And it’s rarely a one-time occurrence. We learn (usually at a subconscious level when our age is in the single digits) to be unrealistically self-critical. As the other people in our life can be. The human mind is incredible. People have done live changing things like: invented airplanes, moved mountains and built skyscrapers. Yet your mind has also told you things like, “You’re such a failure.” after getting a less than impressive feedback on a project.

Dwayne Johnson had been rejected from both the Canadian and American Football League. This led him to think his life was over. He also said when this happens you think you are the only one. About a month later he got a call from the coach that rejected him. The coach asked him back. Johnson told the coach he’d think about it. His gut instinct told him to follow his dad into wrestling. When he told his dad what he wanted to do, his dad told him, “You’re throwing your life away.” Johnson disagreed and went into wrestling. (2) I did the same when I left the soul-sucking job I had. What little I was trained on would have your jaw on the floor. It was practically nothing. And I’m not exaggerating. They offered refresher course, which I accepted, yet never got. Finally, I couldn’t pretend like everything was alright anymore. And I quit. Not sure why they didn’t fire me. I made plenty of mistakes. To the point I thought getting fired was inevitable. When I had no plan of what I was going to do after. What I did have was ideas, willingness to learn and do some hard stuff.

The downside of negative self-talk

When you berate yourself, you believe the negative stuff you hear and think about yourself. You’ll talk yourself out of trying anything new. Something different. You have berated yourself and believed the negative thoughts you have. Why? Maybe because someone told you that you were also throwing your life away by not doing what you have worked your entire life for. Or that you’re crazy for wanting to leave your job with a steady paycheck to start a business you have no experience in. (Instead, start with it as a side business.) That could’ve been a role model like a parent, teacher or trusted friend criticized you. When you were an impressionable child. Or they said this when they were having a bad day.

According to Adult Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Services, negative self-talk has profound psychological impacts. Such as increased depression and anxiety as well as damage to your self-esteem. It can also lead to skewed and overly critical self-image. (3)

When you constantly tell yourself things like “I’m such a loser and failure” or “I’m too old to learn a new skill.” “They are looking for someone with more experience. They won’t select me.” (Guilty again.) That’s how you reinforce beliefs of inadequacy and are also more likely to have mental health issues. Like anxiety and depression. If you already deal with these conditions, negative self-talk will only make them worse. (3)

There is hope.

The Adult, Child, Adolescent Psychiatric Services say this cycle can be broken. It requires conscious effort and at times, professional guidance. (There’s nothing wrong in asking for some help. It shows you are willing to improve something.) (3) It can be painfully difficult to ask for help at times. The silent suffering feels easier. And safer. One time when I as about five, I knocked on my parents’ bedroom door. My dad, who was trying to nap, shouted, ”What?!” I had already witnessed his short fuse. A common issue with those who have unresolved issues.

This could be a foreign concept to you, yet you need to give yourself some grace. You took on too much while trying to help your boss. The people you disappoint will be alright. You might think they are mad at you. Maybe they are, just not as mad as you think they are. (Either way, they and you will be alright.)

Start small. Don’t expect yourself to be able to just stop. It’s embedded in your brain’s programming. It can be improved, yet it takes time.

What you can start today to decrease your negative thinking and self-talk

According to the Chelsea Psychology Clinic, pay attention to the conversation going on in your head. It can be relentless. Effecting your dreams. Your inner critic has been programmed in your brain from before you can remember. You will believe what you tell yourself.

There are 4 things you can do.

#1 Next time you catch yourself saying something so harsh, you don’t want to get out of bed, ask yourself a simple question: Is this true?

#2 Take some time off. Guilt free time off. Stay in bed a bit longer. Read a book for fun or maybe go for a leisurely walk. In other words, take some time for yourself. Even if you only have a few minutes. This is your permission slip to do something for you. It shows that you care about yourself. Slow mornings make a world of difference.

#3 Learn how to self-soothe. This works when the stuff in your head starts immediately after you open your eyes. Even after a night of  inadequate sleep. Give yourself a hug. Stroke your arm or hold your shoulders when feeling down. As corny as it sounds, it helps.

Focus on the values and qualities you admire and aspire to. Think about the kind of person you want to be. Considerate, loving, honest, etc.

Practice daily affirmations. To shift the negative self-talk by telling yourself, daily, something like “I am worthy.” “I am enough just as I am.” Or write yourself a caring note and put in a place you will see it first thing. Something like, “Hello beautiful. In case no one has told you today, I love you and I’m proud of you. Have a great day.”

#4 Practice gratitude.  It’s a great way of creating a more positive mindset to focus on what you already have instead of what you don’t. Write down 5 things, every day, that you’re grateful for. It can be the basics, like a roof over your head, a nice bed. Yet it’s something. It shows you don’t take the simple stuff for granted (4)

To wrap this up

Breaking the vicious cycle of negative self-talk is possible. Yet it takes time. Give yourself some long overdue grace. Yes, you really deserve it. When you feel things starting to spiral, take a breath. What you’ve been through was meant to teach you. Something. Don’t let punish you anymore.

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