What you can do instead of “fixing” someone’s bad mood.

We’ve all had experiences dealing with someone in a bad mood. Whether it’s a cranky child or an adult (boss, spouse, roommate) having a bad day. Being around someone in a bad mood is about as fun as being in a bad mood yourself. If not careful, your mood could go downhill as well without you realizing it. Because according to Scientific America’s article, ‘Is a Bad Mood Contagious?’ When we see someone sneeze, we know to reflexively know to steer clear. Studies suggest, moods can be as catchy as germs.

Psychologists call this emotional contagion. An individual subtly copies the non-verbal cues of another. Their posture, facial expressions, or movements. You see someone frown then your mood sours. The same can happen to someone’s good mood as well. This is more common when the person in a bad mood is a friend or close relative.

This has occurred to me more than one time. Having been on both sides of this discussion, I realized you can’t “fix” the other person or their mood. That’s their responsibility.  No one can do that for them. It also felt like when trying to “fix” someone’s mood, it’s like you’re saying to them, “You can’t be in a bad mood around me.” Or like you are dismissing their feelings. “Just get over it.” or “Someone has it worse than you.” This isn’t helpful. Bad moods have to be felt, not kept bottled up.

Yet setting boundaries by letting someone be cranky around you for only so long is essential to your mental well-being. Tell them you love them or wish them well, listen to them vent for a few minutes. If they want to hear you say something tell them the truth. You might not know what they are feeling, because you haven’t been in a similar situation. Only advise if they ask for it. Don’t get upset if they don’t follow your advice. That’s up to them.

A case study by marriage researchers Lisa A Neff from the University of Texas at Austin and Benjamin R Karney of the University of California, Los Angeles examined more than 150 couples for three years. They wanted to determine how one spouse’s stress influences the other spouse and the overall quality of the marriage. They discovered the wives were not affected significantly. The husbands felt lower marital satisfaction when their wives were stressed.

Emotional crossover was more pronounced when the couples engaged in negative conflict resolution, such as criticizing.

According to psychotherapist Dr. Anna Kress, we are wired to catch feelings. Being affected by the emotions of other people is in our brains. This allows us to engage with people on an emotional level. If we aren’t aware of it, we can catch other people’s feelings.

Someone else’s bad mood can set off your triggers that you didn’t know you had. This is why it’s important to know your triggers and work on healing internal wounds.

Instead of trying to “fix” their salty mood (because you can’t), here are some of the things you can do instead:

• Label your emotions. According to psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel, you have to name your feelings to tame them. According to research by Matthew Lieberman at UCLA, when you label what you’re experiencing, it reduces activity in the amygdala. The fear center of your brain. This activates the prefrontal cortex, the part that helps you analyze data. Next time you’re dealing with someone in a bad mood, label the emotion it triggers in you. So you can put the feeling into context and you have a better idea of where it came from.
• Observe the feeling with curiosity.  After labeling the feeling, it becomes easier to apply mindfulness and observe it. Mindfulness is one of the best strategies for developing the capacity to be calm in challenging situations. Where you are feeling it in your body? Remember feelings are temporary. They come and go. Observe the feeling without judging it. Be compassionate with yourself. Put your hand over your heart while breathing deeply and slowly. Remember: Just because you feel something, doesn’t mean you have to do something. Pause and respond once you feel more centered.
• Practice emotional resets. Once you realize you’re catching someone’s bad mood, give yourself a neutral cue, like the word “reset” as a reminder to unplug your emotional energies from the other person. Relax and take a few deep breaths. After there has been some emotional distance, see if you can reconnect with them with a compassionate, yet neutral perspective. 
• Take breaks. Honoring your needs and emotions is an essential act of self-care. Try taking a break before you react and elevate the situation. Take a walk or go to the bathroom for a few quiet minutes.
• Shift from fearing and judging them to loving them. The more loving you are, the less likely you are to catch someone’s negative mood. Notice something small about them that you like or they have done. Catch them being good.
• Don’t fear negative feelings. The goal is to be comfortable with feelings. Recognizing and navigating feelings in ourselves and others, you’ll be less immersed and affected by them. Then they become what they are meant to be, neutral, fleeting messages.

In the end, it’s a good idea to wisely choose the company you keep.

What part of this could you relate to? Let me know in the comments section.