Hi all,
Glad you’re here reading this. Today, we’re going to talk about what you’re feeling, something you might not really want to do about your feeling and ways to deal with pain.
When a woman told motivational speaker Mel Robbins that she wanted to die, Robbins listened as the woman explained her father had recently passed away. Robbins told the woman that she didn’t want to die. She just didn’t want to feel what she was feeling.
If you are in the United States and are considering suicide please call 988 or go to 988lifeline.org. Outside of the U.S., visit the International Resources page for suicide hotlines in your country. To find a therapist near you, see the Psychology Today Therapy Directory
An article in Psychology Today, says that in 2019, the CDC reported there were 1.4 million failed suicide attempts. While the CDC feels that number is an underestimate, less than 5% of attempts were successful. The range of feelings understandably vary after an attempt from shame regret yet relief the attempt failed, most are able to return to their lives with a greater sense of purpose and gratitude.
I can certainly relate. My Dad died back in 2005. I’ve felt a lot of the feelings about it.
“I overreacted.”
“I under reacted.”
“I’m over it.” (Lie!)
My Dad and I got along as well as a history loving Vietnam veteran and music loving, school despising, girl could. I’m also familiar with emotional pain (anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping) and physical pain (lifelong migraine sufferer. Started having lower back pain in 2013.) If you’re not familiar with migraines, they are debilitating headaches. Think back to a bad hangover you’ve had. Not your worst, yet a bad one. Now image being in that much pain without having touched alcohol. Migraines are the main reason I don’t consume alcohol. Most of the time when I have one, all I can do is lie in a cool, dark room to sleep it off. over the counter and prescription pain medicines didn’t do much to relieve the pain which can’t go away fast enough. Fortunately all of which have gotten better.
All the pain has been bad, yet I’ve never been suicidal. (again, if you are or are having thoughts of harming yourself or others, and in the US please call 988. Outside of the U.S., visit the International Resources page for suicide hotlines in your country. To find a therapist near you, see the Psychology Today Therapy Directory There’s no shame in it.) At worst there were days when I didn’t want the sun to rise. Because it meant I had to get up and do stuff. Most of which I didn’t want to do, yet I have to eat, bills aren’t going to pay themselves. When it came to dealing with my issues. I didn’t want to, yet ignoring something doesn’t make it go away. Like a lot of other people, I bought into thinking a college degree was going to make my life much better.
In addition, being terribly unhappy with my life, after my dad passed, I didn’t feel human. At best I felt like a robot partaking in the rat race, us Americans are told we need to do to make in this world. (If you’re wondering the college degree wasn’t any help. Same with working a 9 to 5 gig.
Now it would be nice to never feel anything negative again. Especially negative emotions. Nice, yet, in TIME magazine’s article called The Daily Habits of Happiness Experts mental health professionals say that’s not the key to enduring happiness. They say the goal is to also experience positive emotions even in the midst of difficulties. The meaning of happiness is, to an extent, subjective. They emphasized the key ingredients for happiness are a combination of the following: a sense of control and autonomy over one’s life, being guided be meaning and purpose and connecting with others. We have to acknowledge our negative emotions. Not suppress them. Ignoring something doesn’t make it go away.
The bad stuff you’re feeling, as bad as it is, that you’re wanting to numb yourself from, just wants to be acknowledged. Repeat. It just wants to be acknowledged.
In the TIME article on Daily Habits, Judith T. Moskowitz, professor of medical social sciences at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine says, “We should aim to accept and appropriately deal with difficult feelings.”
Smooth seas don’t make a skilled sailor.
In the article The Decision Neuroscience perspective on suicidal behavior: evidence and hypothesis, people consider self-harm because of impaired decision making as well as after limited and shallow consideration of the current crisis, possible consequences, and alternative solutions.
In terms of shallow considerations, people tend to see things as either one way or another. Good or bad, day or night. Black or white. Feeling pain or nothing are the only options? No. There is middle ground. And the pain, as bad as it can be, is temporary. Yes, this is hard to forget when you’ve been dumped by the person you were in love with or fired from that job or lost a loved one. (Guilty.) Feeling like I was going to get fired from a job I wasn’t crazy about, not get another and die happened more than I’m willing to even think about. That’s the anxiety and fear doing what they do when we let them control our thoughts. Our fears and anxiety have no problem working overtime, running amok in our head, keeping us awake at night. If we let them. Repeat, If we let them.
My anxiety would come charging at me as soon as I opened my eyes in the predawn morning. Until I firmly, yet politely told them, “You won’t be ignored. You will get my attention. In return could you please not bombard me the second I wake up?” And it worked. As silly as it sounds, it works.
Same with feeling we need to be busy from the moment we wake up until we collapse into bed. Can we just stop thinking that way? It’s not realistic nor beneficial to us. (Ask me how I know. Can you relate?)
I say the following with experience. If you are considering self-harm and you think no one will miss you after you’re gone, that’s incorrect. You will be missed. Family and friends walked away possibly because:
- Of you not wanting to seek help. They encouraged you so seek help and you refused.
- They didn’t know how to help.
- And they didn’t want to watch you continue down a self-destructive path.
Does the following sound familiar? Actor Jim Carrey described depression as needing “deep rest” to recover from trying to be something we’re not. Like one who has to do it all because it’s easier to do a task yourself instead of asking or showing someone else how to do it. As someone who has experienced trauma, it is easier to act like I know want I’m doing when I actually don’t because if I ask a question, someone will think I’m stupid. Yet I’ve never done ____, I won’ t know how to do it. Same goes for you.
Also I have stopped using sarcasm because it’s tiring and when someone is asking for help, I have no idea how their day has been and my snarky comment could push them into doing something harmful.
As someone who has experienced childhood trauma, being still has always been a problem. If I feel a pain in the body, when I feel I’m getting too warm from having too many layers of clothes or bedding on.
Personally, suicide was never a consideration for me because of my migraines, I couldn’t even think about inflicting more pain on myself. A debilitating migraine or any other pain, can’t go away fast enough. There are still things I want to do with my life. I hope there are other things you want to do with your life. Fun and exciting things. Not just the stuff we have to do.
The insomnia has gotten better these past few months. Usually by taking some deep breaths, unclenching my shoulders, jaw, and fists then asking myself, “What’s really bothering me?” Is it the training I have to do or my fear of it. Thinking it’s too much. It’s too difficult. I’ll never complete it because…(Sound familiar?) Within a few minutes I went back to sleep. It was so nice!
In the end I hope you are doing well. If not, it’s alright. Seek help. Talk to someone. A trusted friend or relative. Call 988 if considering harming yourself or someone else. There’s no shame in it. Someone will miss you when you’re gone.
Did any of this resonate with you? Let me know in the comments below.
Reinventing yourself 
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