Why people think self-help is rubbish. (Are you one of them?)

When people hear the phrases like, “Self-help” or “Self-love” some roll their eyes. If you were one of them, stick with me.

If someone told you that you will get life altering results for your problems without help from anyone else. Would they have your attention? They would tell you to say to yourself “You are loved, you are safe, you’re going to be alright.” I’d applaud your skepticism.

Mantras are only one aspect of self-help.

One of the issues is the name itself is deceiving. There is help available for you. Yet your doctor isn’t going to come to your home everyday to make sure you are taking your medications. Your family and friends can’t deal with your issues when they or you don’t even know what they are. Sociologist Martha Beck says, when trauma is an issue, seek help from a licensed therapist. Not a self-life coach or life coach.

You have to get your butt to a doctor’s appointment.

How did self-help become a thing? It’s not something new. According to the Harvard Business Review, meditation has been a thing since the 1960’s. (At least here in the United States.) Ellen Terrell has an article in the Library of Congress saying early 19th century Scottish author Samuel Smiles wrote a few books on the topic. (3)

According to Amazon Research Market, it’s predicted to continue growing from 38.3 billion in 2022 to 81.8 billion in 2032. (2) So it’s not going anywhere.

An allure is affirmations as a quick fix. Going back to the “I am safe…” you’d have to actually leave a dangerous situation to be safe. It also offers instant success. As someone that practices self-help, it can calm your anxiety, if only for a moment to so you can deal with what’s bothering you. More work is needed for longer term success in dealing with your issues.

Forbes has an article titled, “Millennials, Here’s Why You’re Addicted to Self-Improvement.” Because they say self-improvement sounds like a good idea. With promises to “unlock your potential” or “transcend your limitation”. Yet one millennial describes as “addictive” because a person will only read self help books and not do the actual self-help work. (Meaning: You are scratching the itch to be productive while not doing any work on your issues.)

In her book, You Can Heal You Life Louise Hay says, releasing resentment cures dis-ease. Yet she offers no evidence to back this up. (I will back this up by saying holding onto grudges and past trauma does you absolutely no good.) In HBR article, psychologist and author David Creswell has been studying mindfulness since the late 1980’s. He says it’s not the be all end remedy. It’s not a one and done thing. How wonderful it would be to not get anxious about anything ever again, yet that’s not possible.

The Harvard Business Review says that it’s not enough that we eat, sleep and breathe well. We need our devices to show us we are doing well. (1) Sure you could keep track yourself, yet you sometimes forget to write down how well you slept or not want to admit your diet isn’t the best. (Spoiler, you don’t have to tell anyone.) And are you keeping track of this to show someone? Why? You only have to do the work for yourself. You can show someone you’ve worked on your issues by not always getting your panties in a wad whenever the wind changes direction.

In his post about self-help, https://markmanson.net/self-help Mark Manson talks about the Bad-to-OK person who reads self-help books and feel more like a loser then they did before. The goal isn’t about becoming the perfect person. We all have faults and issues. We always will. There’s no such thing as the perfect cook, therapist, parent, person. (Be unique and complex. It’s fun.)

You also have to express all your emotions, including the negative ones. Crying is a form of releasing negative emotions. Keeping that bottled up is not healthy. Martha Beck we cry when we feel acknowledged.

If interested still curious about how to help yourself, start by looking in the mirror and not criticizing what you see. Let me know how that goes in the comment section below.

(1) HBR https://hbr.org/2018/08/how-self-care-became-so-much-work

(2) https://aws.amazon.com/marketplace/pp/prodview-pbunq4uc44wro#overview

(3) https://blogs.loc.gov/inside_adams/2015/04/self-help-motiviation-success-from-the-begining/